Today, in modern times, a platonic friendship is still one that brings out the best in people and helps them become the best version of themselves and it is a friendship between a man and woman who are best friends and most importantly, ‘just friends’. YOU FANTASISE ABOUT SEX. Ad Choices. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. A relationship can never truly be platonic if you have to pretend that you are happy with the way things really are...when deep down--you want something more. Greif says that the number of men in platonic friendships with women has likely increased since he published Buddy System. Talk about it. Platonic Love Is Selfless. Tom, 27, first noticed that his friendships were skewing womanward in college. He's a respectful guy and completely understands. Friendships between superiors and subordinates are still rare today—in Mad Men times, when bosses were mostly male and women primarily reported to … This isn't a friendship between a man and a woman, but a friendship between two people who both like guys. It becomes hard for a platonic boy and girl friends to work if one of them develops feelings of attraction for the other person. “I didn’t have a man in the household growing up,” he says. The truth is, they may never do anything physical in life. But as she continues to laugh uncontrollably at his corny jokes, as she continues to turn to him for his advice, as she continues to feel secure in his presence, she will begin to let down her guard. She may or may not find him attractive, but it doesn't matter. Romantic love is, in part, selfish. I think many existing perspectives on platonic friendship between straight men and women revolve around this question, which is inherently problematic. He'll need someone to be there for him. “Maybe that's a problem on my part.”. Chaney69. It's Not All About Sex. Typically, women tend to be drawn to guys with good personalities. He's a good guy and she likes talking to him. Rather, in my experience, friendships with men can be very symbiotic: They listen well, they know how and when to give advice, and they bring a unique perspective to my grievances. Yeah, I know, you probably didn’t want to hear this one. Now we expect men to make themselves available to female co-workers as friends and mentors, and vice versa. Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. “I needed support and intimacy that wasn’t tied up into one relationship,” he said. But once a man is attracted to a woman; or the woman is attracted to the man; or both are attracted to each other--the relationship cannot and will never be platonic. They may never cross the line. How much influence does one spouse get to have on the other’s platonic friendships? When Vice President Mike Pence said that he wouldn’t dine alone with any woman except his wife, the backlash was immediate: Pence’s puritanical resistance to unchaperoned chit-chat with women at work was seen as discriminatory and antiquated. It’s not easy to be vulnerable. Disclaimer: If there is absolutely no physical attraction between a male and female, then, I would say, it is possible that they can truly share a platonic relationship. (He attributed the reported discrepancy to the subjectivity of relationships, and concluded that an equal percentage of men and women have platonic friendships. Anonymous. Be realistic. At some point, one or … A relationship can never be truly platonic if you have to adjust your feelings. "In reality, sex isn't always on the agenda," said Werking. When a male best friend is not a lover, a woman will sense that the relationship reflects a parity that is consistent with her female friends. As I was talking to him, he was like, ‘Yeah, that's kind of how it goes,’ ” he recalls. Since 1957, GQ has inspired men to look sharper and live smarter with its unparalleled coverage of style, culture, and beyond. And the National Center for Education Statistics recently reported that 89 percent of primary-school teachers are women. When I meet someone I instantly filter if he is potential husband or just a friend. While the office is a common place for men and women to develop relationships (the term “work wife” has slipped quietly into the “this sounds sexist” class of phrases), some men are chronic befrienders of women in and out of the office. Attraction is everything. “But there’s a sense that if you’re a man and you want to make friends with a man, you’re better off if you either played sports or are able to talk a little bit about sports.” A study in Sex Roles suggested that men bonded over activities—like sports, video games, and going out to bars to meet women—and reserved “emotional sharing” for their opposite-sex partners. Part of HuffPost Style & Beauty. This is when a man and a woman become friends through sharing common interests and values; just as two men or two women might do. There is more honesty and self-reflection. He's not going to make a move because he doesn't want to jeopardize the friendship. “There are women that talk about sports, and there are men that don’t just talk about sports,” Greif adds. Controlling his feelings will become that much more difficult. Those men aren’t necessarily the emotional parasites that Hamlett describes. Platonic Friendship One type of male-female relationship is the simple, uncomplicated friendship. That’s certainly true for Tom. 1 decade ago. One in five children are living with a single mother, and these children in particular may find that because their formative relationships were entirely with women, they connect more easily with women as adults. “Sometimes you don’t,” he says, “and sometimes it’s odd, and sometimes for a while you’re just like, ‘Are they flirting with me? Physical and sexual attraction is seen even in men and women who are platonic friends. Writer Melanie Hamlett described straight men as “stranded on an emotionally-stunted island” with no friends, theorizing that many men, lacking intimate male friendships, are acting like “emotional gold diggers” toward their wives and girlfriends. And even if he's cute, she's not interested in him like that. This article first appeared on Christopher Lai's relationship blog, Living The Lai, and later appeared on Thought Catalog. Several such men tell me that they, like Tom, feel less pressure to perform stoicism for their female friends. Men and women can be platonic friends. Tom scrolled through his recent texts: Of the ten friends he’s texted most recently, all except one are female. For these guys, “emotional sharing” is more important. 1 decade ago. Therefore, platonic feelings between a man and a woman are unlikely but possible. But she's made it clear that she's not looking for a relationship or she's already in a committed one. 3 0. Perhaps because #MeToo has made me more aware of the ill effects of masculinity when it’s concentrated in a toxic clique, I feel unsettled by men who don’t have female friends. Sociologists have documented that men and women can indeed just be friends and that there are actually benefits that come with cross-sex friendships — like learning from the other side how to best attract a mate — that you can’t get from same-sex friendships. He says that he’d suspected, early on, that his closest female friend didn’t want their friendship to be platonic, but that they’d never discussed it. … When he tried to talk to other men about it, he found that they were at different levels of emotional literacy: Of his two male friends, he says, one was very receptive to breakup talk, but one became very uncomfortable. Men reported more attraction and a stronger desire to date their female friends than women did … Am I flirting with them? This preoccupation with gender roles, and even the idea that men and women can’t really be platonic friends, has some science behind it. Greif says most people tend to feel more relaxed with people who are like themselves, but that some people just don’t enjoy spending time with their “reference group.” Jake, 27, says he connects better with women because he doesn’t enjoy the stereotypical twin pillars of male hangs: sports and drinking. And, honestly, when a hot girl messages you, it's impossible to ignore her. It is true that sometimes one's feelings may interfere with maintaining a relationship as purely platonic. And when he is vulnerable, he's no longer in control. I remember feeling a vague mistrust toward Adam Driver’s character in Girls when all his friends were revealed to be women in a 2012 episode. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged and sometimes it isn't. The chemistry between them is palpable and they've been in situations where he could have made a move but he did not. Platonic friendships could be between members of the same sex, or members of the different sex, but people often feel the need to clarify that they are “strictly platonic” when there would be some potential of a more sexual relationship, such as a friendship between two gay men, two gay women, or a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. Another key difference is that people involved in an emotional affair often feel a sexual attraction for one another. Or even when I just want to shoot the shit.”. “That opens up a different kind of relationship, which is more apt to lead to a platonic friendship than ever before.”. “What happens then,” Greif explains, “is that men feel in general very comfortable talking to women and also feel comfortable talking to women about their feelings.” I imagine myself as the matriarch of my male friends, holding them to my bosom, Pietà-like, whispering in soothing tones while they vent about their unrequited crushes on other women—and feel unsettled. And you know what, it doesn't matter how independent a woman is--when her boyfriend messes up, she needs someone to talk to. Children not raised by single mothers are also more likely to have been socialized mostly by women. It may take a lot to shake up a platonic relationship. Never let someone outside your relationship become an “alternative.” “The biggest issue is, do you … Platonic love and relationship, i.e., the close, non-sexual relationship between a man and a woman, isn't impossible. Platonic relations can and do occur between men and women. A man's best friend can call his girlfriend if he's in trouble. Some of his friendships have grown from situations where one of them has tried to hook up with the other, but he says that in those cases the dynamic is now clear, for the most part. But a relationship can never be truly platonic if you have to set up boundaries. On a daily basis, whether at work or university or public places men and women get to meet and interact with one another. Having a girlfriend made him feel a lot more comfortable cultivating platonic female friendships, because it gave him a built-in barrier against the relationship turning romantic, though he says he often wondered whether his girlfriend thought it was strange that he had so many female friends. Hamlett cites one man, who started a “men’s group” to create a non-threatening space to share feelings. On the flip side, he thinks that she is sexy. … There are many reasons why would anyone choose to have a platonic relationship. Platonic love can be sturdy, unwavering, and unfazed. There may be in either party a hope for it to be more than platonic and there may also be a little flirting. “I could just be genuine,” he says, “and not be judged for wanting to talk about how I feel.” It’s a cliché that women get together and “talk about our feelings,” but in my experience with my female and male friends, women often go right for the emotional throat of a conversation, where it may take most men several beers to commence venting. You can, however, pretend that it is platonic. Particularly in college and beyond, Jake says, he found that he preferred the way women connect—all the friends he’s made since he was 12 are women. A genuine platonic love relationship is all about the dominance of spiritual priorities over the needs of the body, but very few are able to take control of their instincts. Yeah, of course, looks play a part. I don't think genuinely platonic friendship between a man and a woman is that common though. I do believe that a friendship between the sexes is possible. All rights reserved. “It was awkward. And she recognizes this and respects him for it. (And no, it has nothing to do with ‘friends … They become close with their girlfriends’ friends or their female roommate’s friends, they develop friendships with women they date when it doesn’t work out, or they make one female friend at work and their circle spirals out from there. All the surprises in the world could pop up, but this relationship may stay the same. And, a few years later, I shyly confronted the man I was dating about why he didn’t have any male friends (he had never thought about it before) and then less shyly insinuated that he had hooked up with one of his female friends (they started dating after we broke up). That model is culturally reinforced to the extent that, for a long time, men with mostly female friends were objects of suspicion. The gay man is just one of the girls. A man's girlfriend will not be offended by … One of the differences between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that an emotional affair is kept secret. Platonic bonding is a purely spiritual and emotional connection with no sexual intimacy. “You do keep some kind of emotional distance until you can make it clear that it's platonic,” he says. It is possible for a man and a woman to have a platonic relationship. Since then, he’s found it even more difficult to make male friends. This kind of relationship can pave a way to know yourself even deeper. In his 2008 book Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, Geoffrey Greif, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, wrote that 65 percent of women and 75 percent of men reported having nonsexual friendships with the opposite gender. By "nothing," they mean that they've never kissed. 1 0. Giphy. Greif thinks that men feel more comfortable emotional sharing with women because children are still mostly socialized by women. (I’d also suggest that efforts to make college campuses more female-friendly, first with the genesis of co-ed colleges and more recently with attempts to make campuses safer for women, has led to a stronger infrastructure for co-ed friendships.) Or so she thinks. © 2021 Condé Nast. It wants what is best for the partnership … Platonic friendship specifically refers to friendship between two people who could, in theory, feel attracted to each other. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Tom says he’s concerned that people think he hangs out with women because he’s trying to hook up with them. The question presupposes that there is something ‘wrong’ or ‘unnatural’ if a man and woman harbour strictly platonic love for each other. Or maybe, it's bad stuff about her boyfriend. He was first attracted to her because she had sex appeal but as he got to know her more and more--she became beautiful. He continues to message her because she's a cool chick. In fact, he embraces the opportunity. Stuff that she's not willing to tell her significant other, perhaps because he is not quite as understanding. The rise of male-female relationships in general has also made way for guys like Tom, whose friends are almost all women. Women, according to the study, just kind of marinated in each other’s company. I attribute the difference to typical male hubris.) Men are inherently drawn to women that will make good mates, so to be friends with a woman may be all the more difficult for a man. The challenges are: determining whether the relationship is non-romantic or romantic; discussing attraction, which may still be present even when the relationship has been declared non-romantic; “dealing with the issue of relationship equality within a cultural context of gender inequality,” a challenge that, as Greif suggests, has been slightly minimized by increased workplace equality; and “presenting the relationship as authentic to relevant audiences.” Which is to say, convincing your other friends—and, critically, your girlfriend—that you’re not trying to bone your cross-sex pal. He'd love to go out for drinks, take her back to his place, inch closer to her on the couch. One 25-year-old man, who has assembled a large cohort of female friends through work, says that when he broke up with his girlfriend recently, he mostly discussed the breakup with his female friends. Because, ultimately, we are human. How to have a platonic relationship Over time, he became the Michael Jordan of the friend zone. And she recognizes this and respects him for it. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. Now the tropes about men with mostly close female friends look archaic: It seems very ’80s—very When Harry Met Sally—to assume that a man who spends most of his time with women is just trying to hook up with them, or that he’s gay. “It really is easier for me to just be casual with women, and eventually become friends, rather than dudes,” he says of his platonic friendships. Let's say that a man and a woman are friends. Tom and the other men I spoke to for this piece, all of whom have wide networks of close female friends, are encouraging counterpoints to last week’s viral essay in Harper’s Bazaar. There has always been intense debate on the possibility of heterosexual males and females being 'just friends.' From award-winning writing and photography to binge-ready videos to electric live events, GQ meets millions of modern men where they live, creating the moments that create conversations. Greif attributes the increase in platonic friendships to more equality in the workplace, and stronger policies and better education surrounding sexual harassment. Friendships between superiors and subordinates are still rare today—in Mad Men times, when bosses were mostly male and women primarily reported to them, platonic friendships at work were even more unlikely. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and Your California Privacy Rights. Follow him on Facebook for some pretty cool updates. Especially when she's a nice person. It involves honesty, loyalty, and a super-deep connection without the heat of sexual tension. But Hamlett’s essay doesn’t address the men who recognize the importance of emotional sharing, and who seek that out not just from one woman but from a network of friends. “Men are taught that feelings are a female thing,” one woman told Hamlett. That's when shit gets awkward: When straight men and women don't have an accurate read on how one feels about the other, things can get weird.That doesn't mean a friendship … And for some people, this is good enough. She responded immediately, “I had no idea you had this many male friends!” There were four men in the photograph. “Rather than having the experience that my father had, where the only woman he would see at the workplace was bringing him his coffee, men and women are now co-equals at work,” Greif says. He's been placed in the friend zone but he's not bitter about being there. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, An essential daily guide to achieving the good life. Tom isn’t the only one who has noticed the gender imbalance of his relationships. In recent times, there’s been less cultural skepticism around friendships between gay men and straight women—though those relationships can also be fraught—but platonic relationships between straight, unmarried men and women are still subject to some suspicion, particularly beyond childhood. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Condé Nast. It changes the whole dynamics of platonic friends. “I was like, ‘That's not how I want to talk about this.’ With my friends who are girls, there's a sharing of experiences, which makes it better to talk about.”, He adds that he’s wondering whether his friendships with women will change post-breakup. Thus, Hamlett theorized, men save their emotional sharing for their partner, whereas women are more likely to share their feelings with a network of therapists and friends. "That could be due to … While I disagree with Hamlett’s implication that men are incapable of “unpaid emotional labor” in their relationships—I have scream-cried my feelings at many, many men—I do see where the archetypal male friendship, which is built on sports and beer, might preclude the airing of feelings. More specifically, she needs to talk to a friend, someone she can trust. It’s like looking at a man’s bookshelf and seeing only Christopher Hitchens titles. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status. It involves honesty, loyalty, and a super-deep connection without the heat of sexual tension. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. And for some friends, they may eventually cross the line. Similarly, when his girlfriend is acting up, he will need an outlet. GQ may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. She knows that his intentions are ostensibly pure. On the other hand, men tend to be drawn to women who look good. The tension he describes is one of four major challenges to “cross-sex friendship” outlined in a 1989 study in Sex Roles. To revisit this article, visit My Profile, thenView saved stories. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. They have known each other for a while and nothing has ever happened between them. I ask him how he draws the line between romantic and non-romantic, hoping for some secret that will allow men and women to live in platonic harmony, having meaningful discussions about #MeToo over rosé. Yep, my wifes best friend his her ex boyfriend, i trust her implicitly as he is one of my friends also. Be careful about taking flights of sexual fantasy with your platonic … “Now that I don't have a girlfriend, I think I'm kind of curious how it's going to go. Because of his sincerity, she's comfortable enough to share her secrets with him. A 2012 study found in the majority of opposite-sex friendships, there’s at least a low level of attraction. Since sexual intimacy is not part of the platonic equation, men and woman have far less emotional complications when they are not lovers. It means too much to him. Or maybe, it's bad stuff about her boyfriend. Well, let us examine the dynamics of platonic best friends and the different types and ways such friendships between a man and a woman can develop. In a survey Greif conducted, 80 percent of men said that most of their time with male friends is spent discussing sports. Recently, when he had a few acquaintances over to watch wrestling—he’s actively trying to cultivate male friends—he took a picture of the group hanging out and sent it to his roommate. Because, ultimately, we are human. At least a low level of attraction is true that sometimes one 's feelings may interfere with maintaining a can! Lead to a platonic relationship recently, all except one are female platonic! For it needed support and intimacy that wasn ’ t necessarily the emotional parasites that describes! Primary-School teachers are women one or … you FANTASISE about sex probably didn ’ t only... Isn ’ t necessarily the emotional parasites that Hamlett describes two people who both like guys interfere! 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